I know I just talked about school last week, but I have told all these stories lately, and even though some are current, others are not, they all remind me why my job is never boring.

1. dorito boy.
(this took place last fall, and still makes me laugh so hard).  so, I had this kid, who was so. weird.  I have a lot of kids that are so weird, in fact, I think one of my most used lines is “Please be normal.”  oh my gosh he was one of the weirdest kids I ever had.  he is right up there with mr. love in the winter and mr. welcome to the neighborhood.  so….my kids come back from lunch, and this kid walks in the door.  carrying a doritos bag.  full of water.  water.  like the wet stuff that you don’t put in doritos bags.  and it was full full.  like all the way to the top.  he was attempting to drink out of it.  and spilling it on himself.  and complaining about the fact that it wasn’t working.  um, duh.  I do not know how to respond to you, mr. doritos bag water kid.  they did not teach us about you in college.

2.  shoe thief.
(this happened yesterday).  so, there is a mouse in my classroom.  and I know that I’m usually all “our school is not like all the other schools in johnson county” but COME ON.  this is johnson county.  not little house on the freakin prairie.  and my kids in my lower classes had a very important quiz to take.  we have been doing a unit on how to study, and how to prepare for tests, and what to do during a test.  and my 5th hour has four boys with the most severe ADD I have ever seen.  it’s bad.  two of them have instructions for How to Stay on Task written on a paper that I make them keep on their desks at all times.  so I am mentally preparing for the total chaos that is going to ensue if a freakin mouse is running around during their quiz.  mr. mouse did not make an appearance, however, for which I am very thankful.  what did happen, instead, is that one of these boys went over to sharpen his pencil.  and then went back to his desk.  and two minutes later, one of the other boys SHOUTS (this is during a quiz, all of this is totally acceptable behavior) really loud, WHO TOOK MY SHOE!!!!!  Oh. M. G.  I look at him, give him a very stern look (I won a contest in college for “best teacher mean face”) and say “Really?”  he yells again “Someone took my shoe!!!”  okay, so this is really happening.  I look at his feet, only one of which has a converse high top on it.  oh my gosh.  HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN?!?  I have so many questions about this.  Did the other kid take your shoe off your foot?  Did you take one shoe off?  How did he take your shoe and you didn’t notice?  How did he take your shoe and I didn’t notice?  How is this happening in my classroom?  During a quiz?  WHY HAS THIS NOT BEEN RESOLVED BY NOW!!  His shoe was found, on the other side of the room.  I have answers to none of my questions.  I was prepared for a mouse.  I was not prepared for shoe thief.

3.  parents acting their age.
(this happened about six years ago).  so, back when I was a cheerleading coach, I had taken a bus full of varsity girls up to leavenworth for a basketball game, and it was a pretty boring game.  during one of the timeouts, one of our girls (who won the state title in a handful of gymnastics events that year) ran and did a tumbling pass, and not a very impressive one.  then, one of the girls from the other school ran and did her own tumbling pass, again, not a very impressive one.  so the next time my girl ramped it up a little and did something more impressive.  the other girl did the same (only I will say hers was not NEARLY as good), and all of their cheerleaders started yelling and dissing all of my cheerleaders, and being very rude and crass.  my girls were very mature and backed off and were like “whatever, this is a high school basketball game, we don’t need to turn this into some ridiculous battle” and went back to cheering the game (I was surprised, they were not always super mature).  after a few minutes the girls from the other school got tired of yelling at us and stopped (hello!  do you have a coach?).  so like an hour later, we are leaving, and we get to the gym doors at the same time as the other cheerleaders.  I am quietly telling my girls “keep your cool, please be good” when one of the PARENTS of the other team comes up to one of my girls and shouts “F*&# you, whore!”  really?  really.  I am not making this up.

4.  welcome to the neighborhood.
(this was maybe 4 years ago).  so I had this really obnoxious kid in one of my advanced classes.  he was a good kid, but super obnoxious, and loved any attention he could get, and would do anything he could to cause a scene.  including…farting.  really loud.  the first time it happened it caused such a reaction from the other students (because, news flash, in high school, farting = not cool) that it became a regular scene.  also under the category of Things They Do Not Teach You About in College.  So I asked some of my colleagues for help, and they gave me a few ideas.  so a week later, a new quarter was starting, so my kids got new seats.  this fine young man was already in his spot when I directed one of my kids to the seat in front of him.  she looked at me, gave me a desperate look, and said “Really?”  I said “yes, really, sorry.”  as she walked over to his desk, he looked at her, said “Welcome to the neighborhood!” and let a really loud fart out.  I stayed very calm, and told him he needed to get out his planner.  “Why do I need to get my planner out?” he says.  I stayed calm and said “You need to go to the nurse.”  He says “I need to go to the nurse?  Because I farted?”  Somehow I kept a straight face and said “If you cannot control your farts, that is a medical problem, and you need to talk to the nurse and see if she has some advice for you.  You are welcome to come back to class once you have this under control.”  every single kid’s jaw in the whole room just dropped.  oh man.  he was gone for about 20 minutes and it pretty much took care of that problem.  I think that was when I knew I could do this, this teaching thing, when I was able to handle that, while staying calm and keeping a straight face.

5.  love in the winter.
(this was about 5 years ago).  one thing you need to know before I tell this story, is that every week on block day, we have a random question that is unrelated to math.  it is always pretty lighthearted, we often discuss it…. it’s a good way for us all to get to know each other, and it builds a good rapport that I love.  I usually ask them to share, but sometimes I give them the option of whether or not they want to.  so their bellwork for this day was to choose one option:  draw a self-portrait, or write a poem.  I like this one because it gives the creative kids a spot to feel good.  but most of the kids draw a stick figure, or write a really silly poem.  I gave them about 5 minutes to work, and then asked if anyone would like to share.  one kid raises his hand, and when I see that it is a student with very few social skills, I immediately I realize what is about to happen, and regret giving them a chance to share, and think “oh no.  this is about to get really. weird.”  aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I was right.  he stands up to share his poem, and reads,
“Love in the winter, love in the springtime, love in the summer, love in the fall, no matter what the season is, I will always love you.”
oh, love in the winter.  that was an awkward day.

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